On November 2, it was 6 years since I had my abortion, and lost Jayden. Admittedly on the day I didn't really think too much about my abortion, or Jayden... maybe because I had so much going on with Gaby being sick? Either way it really struck me how much my attitude about my loss has changed over the years. Each anniversary effects me a bit less, and I find myself thinking about it in different ways.
I never imagined I would get to the point where I would think "oh yea" regarding my anniversary - let alone not think about it all day long. It's strange, and in a way a little upsetting, because it feels as though I'm losing touch with my precious angel... even though he's all around me, and is the reason for who I am today. I suppose I have to remember that it's okay not to feel upset on his angelversary? That it is okay not to think about it constantly.
At the same time as I've been thinking about how (little) Jayden's angelversary effected me, Kai & me have both been having difficulty coming to terms with the loss of our baby... We haven't really spoken about it in much depth yet - to be honest I don't think either of us are really ready to. Maybe we need to figure things out in our own heads a bit more, before we can think of talking about it 'properly'.
Today is three weeks since I had my surgery. I feel as though I lost a huge chance to have more children. With two fallopian tubes, I always felt like if something happened to one, then I had 'backup' of sorts - but now that I only have the one tube, I suddenly realise I don't HAVE backup anymore. The doctor said there is a 10-18% chance of having another ectopic - if I have another ectopic & need my tube removed... that's it. No 'normal' conception for me. I will need IVF.
It's unfair that in such a short space of time, life can change so much. And the future can become even more unclear.
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