... The morning of September 23, I got my period. I was really upset, but I knew it obviously wasn't meant to be. I told my boyfriend and he said he was quite surprised that he didn't feel relieved about it - he felt a little glum that my period had arrived. I put the whole thing down to being a chemical pregnancy, and moved on with things.
On October 4 I decided to do a pregnancy test, just to confirm I wasn't pregnant. The test was positive. I did another test, to see if it had been a fault with the test. But no, that test was positive too. I rang my midwife & she arranged for me to have an ultrasound that afternoon. The ultrasound showed nothing at all in my uterus, so they suggested I go back in a week, and that I was probably really early on in my pregnancy. I had a blood test done, which confirmed I was pregnant. My hcg level was 330, which seemed a little low to me, considering I should be almost 6 weeks pregnant.
Over three days, I ended up with 6 positive pregnancy tests - three different brands too. My boyfriend was just as confused as I was, and I think we both went between feeling somewhat excited, and somewhat terrified, at the prospect of having a baby, especially so early on in our relationship.
My next scan was a week after the first - and as with the first, there was nothing obvious in my uterus. They checked my fallopian tubes, to try and rule out a pregnancy, and there was nothing visible. I took that as a good sign. The plan of action from there was to have beta hcg testing every 2nd day, and then another u/s once my hcg level was at 2000+
My next blood test was 8 days after my first - and my level had risen to 1150. It had risen, but it didn't seem like it had risen enough to me. I had a feeling I was going to miscarry. The third blood test put my levels at 1630. They'd risen again, but not significantly. The next test came back with the hcg at 1710. I knew that this wasn't a good sign - over two days my level had only gone up by 80 - and by my calculations, the level should have been over 2000.
The doctor rang me & asked me to go and see him, to talk about my levels. That was Friday the 19th October. He told me that he believed I was going to miscarry, and that I'd need a shot of Anti-D, due to a little bit of bleeding I'd had the night beforehand. I thought I would just get the shot there, instead he told me I would need to go to the hospital for it.
I traipsed up to the hospital with Mum, they did a blood test, and after 4 hours the doctor finally saw me. He told me he suspected I had an ectopic pregnancy, and asked me to come back in on the Saturday morning for an ultrasound. I knew that they wouldn't see anything on the ultrasound, but was sure that if they couldn't see anything in my tubes, it would mean it wasn't ectopic? Especially as I'd had no pain! The doctor also told me that my hcg levels had dropped slightly. Surely it had to be a miscarriage!
My boyfriend and I went to a movie after that - we missed half of it, but figured we should go since I had the tickets. He said he'd come up to the hospital with me in the morning, and I was so greatful for that!
Saturday morning I get to the hospital at 9am. 10.30am they take me down for my ultrasound. Once again, nothing present in the uterus, or the fallopian tubes. I figured I was having some weird sort of miscarriage. I finally saw the doctor around 1pm, and he told me believed it was an ectopic pregnancy, and that I was to come in for more blood tests on Sunday morning, and if the number hadn't dropped significantly, I would be going in for surgery to try & find, and then remove an ectopic pregnancy. I still didn't believe it was ectopic. Where was the pain?
Sunday morning I am back at the hospital at 9am. I get blood tests. I sit and wait. My boyfriend arrived at 9.45am, to spend some time with me before he had to go to work. It was nice having someone with me, and having some reassurance. He had to leave at 10.30 - and it wasn't until around 12.30 that the nurse came in to tell me that my hcg level had risen! I suddenly felt a bit less confident that I was 'just' miscarrying. She told me the doctors were just talking about what to do next, and would be in to get me soon for a chat. It was past 1pm when the doctor came in. She took me into a room and told me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and that I would need either surgery, or medication, to 'deal' with the pregnancy.
She explained both procedures to me, and I knew I couldn't handle the medication, the possibility of it not working, and all the monitoring I'd need. By that stage I was getting toward the end of what I could cope with - and Gaby's 1st birthday was fast approaching, I wanted to be able to spend time concentrating on that, not on whether or not medication had worked! I told the doctor I wanted the surgery.
The nurse came in and gave me a drip, and took my vitals, took some blood - and then I was admitted to the ward. Suddenly things were happening VERY fast! I contacted Mum, Dad & my boyfriend to let them know what was happening, and where to find me. Mum was going to bring my stuff up to the hospital for me, and my boyfriend said he'd be up after he'd done a couple of jobs at home. They predicted I'd be going in for my surgery around 5pm, but at 4pm they came to get me - so I wouldn't see anyone before I went in for my surgery. I sent a quick text to tell everyone I was going in, and that I'd see them later. I hoped.
I think they finally started my surgery around 4.30pm - I woke up in recovery somewhere between 6.00 & 6.15pm, and I remember the nurse (or maybe doctor?) talking to me, to say that I had had an ectopic, in my right tube - and that they'd needed to remove the tube as well. But my left tube looked nice and healthy, so there should be no problems with future fertility. It didn't really mean anything to me at that stage. I was so out of it on drugs! I remember the phone ringing, and the nurse talking about me, saying that I was out of surgery & would be going back up in half an hour or so - she then told me that my 'husband' was waiting for me. That made me smile. I was glad someone was waiting for me!
I went up to my room & my boyfriend was great - he asked if I wanted him to stay the night, then went and asked the nurses if that was okay - they said it was. I was very drowsy that night, but managed to stay awake until around 10pm.
I woke up the next morning, and the drugs had worn off. And everything hit me. I spent a lot of time sitting on my bed, cuddling my boyfriend and crying. The realisation that I had another angel, and that I'd lost a fallopian tube really unsettled me. I just wanted to curl up and die.
They let me out of hospital at 10am, and it was so hard saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I got home and everyone was there, including my cousin & his girlfriend, I could tell people were walking on egg shells around me, and felt bad about that.
The first few days after my surgery, I went between feeling fine, and being a total mess. On Wednesday afternoon I cried for hours, on my bed with my boyfriend. I wasn't 100% sure what I was crying about, but I felt as though everything was combined into one big huge ball of emotion, and I had to let it out. My boyfriend was amazing, letting me cry on him. I knew he had stuff to do at home so told him to leave when he wanted, but instead he asked if he could stay the night again. The helped so so much. I found that night time was the hardest, so having someone in bed to cuddle up to... it helped me feel less alone.
At the time of writing this, I am about 9 days post-surgery. I am starting to feel a bit better emotionally, well, the tears have stopped anyway! I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I've in essence, had another abortion - but I know that this time is different, it was a matter of life & death for me. There was no way around it. I am sad that I have lost another baby - I also feel that this one was a boy, and have been thinking of him as Zhavier - Zhavier Lucas, so have decided that is his name. I've not told my boyfriend that I've named him - I'm not sure I will. It's such a personal thing, and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.
Obviously it's too early to have learnt lessons from this loss.. but I'm sure that they're out there somewhere.
~Zhavier Lucas~
conceived: 7 September 2007
pregnancy confirmed: 20 September 2007
ectopic surgery: 21 October 2007
due date: 1 June 2008
conceived: 7 September 2007
pregnancy confirmed: 20 September 2007
ectopic surgery: 21 October 2007
due date: 1 June 2008
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