I was so excited to be pregnant, I had wanted a baby so badly for such a long time, and it felt like it was meant to be. My boyfriend at the time was shocked, but after a couple of days he came around & things felt good. I felt that finally I was going to be able to make up for my abortion, that I was going to be able to have this baby, and give him/her a great life.
But deep down, I knew that I wasn't going to be pregnant for long. I was so worried about miscarrying the whole time - I was in the toilet every 10 minutes checking for blood. I knew it was going to come, but hoped that somehow I was wrong.
On November 15 around 10am, I went to the toilet & found I was spotting. I rang my midwife and she told me it was quite normal to bleed in early pregnancy. But I knew. I just knew that it was the start of a miscarriage. My midwife advised me to be on bedrest until the spotting had stopped, but obviously if it got heavier to let her know.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday were spent on the couch. Watching Family Guy. And playing Gran Turismo 4. Trying to ignore the fact that I was miscarrying. On the Friday afternoon I noticed that my spotting had almost stopped, so thought maybe things WERE okay, and that my intuition was wrong. Friday evening I went to the toilet & found a lot of blood & clots. I cried. I knew what was happening.
On the Saturday I decided to go out. If I was miscarrying, going out wasn't going to stop a thing. I went to the mall with my sister and a friend. We were about to get something to eat & I noticed a horrendous cramp. I KNEW that that was it. That I'd miscarried - I went to the toilet & what I saw will stay in my mind forever. I saw my baby there.. on the toilet paper... I cried silent tears, and then said goodbye to my baby...
On the Monday I went for an ultrasound to confirm that I'd miscarried, and as expected, my uterus was empty.
My boyfriend came over and spent time with me, but I felt very alone. I couldn't help but feel that I was being punished for having my abortion - that my miscarriage was karma coming back to kick me in the ass.
Having dealt with the loss of my first angel, I knew that it was okay to grieve, and to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling - and that really helped me. I grieved for a few weeks, but then I generally felt okay. Of course I was still sad about the loss of my little boy (I felt it was a boy), but once again, I had the feeling it was meant to be. I did begin to wonder if I was going to have any children - I had a horrible image of every pregnancy ending in miscarriage, or another form of pregnancy loss.
I guess one of the main things I learnt from my miscarriage, was to trust my intuition. I just knew I was going to miscarry, and I did. I do wish my intuition had been wrong though.
I happened to get pregnant with Gaby in January/February 2006 - in my 3rd cycle post miscarriage. It brought up a lot of weird emotions. I was excited about being pregnant with Gaby, but at the same time, I was sad that it wasn't Micah I was pregnant with. It was also very hard for me to believe that my pregnancy with Gaby could end with me actually bringing a baby home. My entire pregnancy with her I had bad anxiety - I was used to pregnancy ending early on, so I figured there was no reason that pregnancy should be any different. Though obviously it was different, Gaby was born 26 Oct 06, a healthy 8lb4oz. At times I still feel a bit weird thinking that I could have had a son, born 3 months earlier than Gaby - and no Gaby.
~Micah James~
conceived: 24 October 05
pregnancy confirmed: 7 November 05
miscarriage: 19 November 05
due date: 18 July 06
conceived: 24 October 05
pregnancy confirmed: 7 November 05
miscarriage: 19 November 05
due date: 18 July 06
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