~Jayden Scott~

September 2001, I found myself very unexpectedly pregnant - and single. I was determined to keep my baby, however my parents & ex boyfriend had different thoughts on that. They all wanted me to have an abortion, and eventually I caved in and agreed. I didn't WANT the abortion at all, and I tried to justify it to myself. At the end of the day though, I knew I couldn't do it (have my baby), if I didn't have the support of my parents and of my ex.

My ex boyfriend didn't go to any appointments with me, except for the initial appointment with my GP to get the referral to the abortion clinic.... In the end it was my friends who were there for me....

November 2nd was the date of my abortion - and a date which will forever be chiselled into my brain. I had every opportunity to leave that day, but I felt that I had to go through with it - for everyone elses sake. My memories of the day are a bit hazy - but in a way I am glad. I don't think I'd like to remember it all.

After my abortion things were okay for 6 weeks - but then I began experiencing what is known as PASS - post abortion stress syndrome. I was severely depressed, and couldn't come to terms with what had happened. I felt a huge range of emotions, but mainly guilt, regret, remorse and anger - I had LOTS of anger... toward my parents, my ex... my friends at times.

I didn't know myself through that whole time, I felt like an alien had taken over my body - or that I was watching myself from outside my body. I began drinking a lot, and taking stupid risks - because I felt like my life had no meaning, so who really cared if I fucked it up even more?

I knew I couldn't start getting 'better' until I'd sorted things out with my ex - so I worked on that for a long time, and eventually I found it to forgive him. Where I had once viewed him as an 'enemy' of sorts, I began viewing him as an important friend. We had a couple of pretty deep conversations, and I finally asked him all the hard questions I had wanted to ask. We actually began dating again - which was very out of the blue, and everyone thought I was an idiot - but I think it was the biggest factor in my being able to heal. We were together on the first anniversary of the abortion, which helped me a lot.

Over time, I began to heal. I began to forgive & move forward with my life. I cannot remember what the significant event was, but I decided one day that life was too short & I had to start moving forward & not dwelling on the past.

I am now approaching my 6 year anniversary of my abortion - and where once it would have been the only thing on my mind, it is now a very minor thing on my mind. I'm thinking more than usual about my abortion & about Jayden - but generally just in passing. I'm not consumed by it.

I learnt a LOT from my abortion. A tonne of lessons about life. The main one being that you have to do what you want to do - especially when it comes to a life altering decision. Don't make other peoples opinions the main reason to do x y or z. You can hear what they have to say, but at the end of the day, you have to do what is right in your heart - otherwise you will have a hard hard time trying to deal with the aftermath of your decision.

I try to imagine a lot, what life would be like if I had had Jayden. He would be 5 years old now, and it is very hard to imagine my life with a 5 year old son. I'm not sure that I would have had Gaby if I had had Jayden - but then at the same time, if I'd had Jayden, I wouldn't have experienced all the negative experiences after I'd had my abortion, if I had HAD Jayden.

Even through all this though - I think it was meant to be. As shitty as it is, as hard as it was - and is, I think it was meant to be. Though I often wish it wasn't meant to be. That me having Jayden was what was meant to be.

~Jayden Scott~
conceived: 1 September 01
pregnancy confirmed: 24 September 01
abortion: 2 November 01
due date: 28 May 02