On November 2, it was 6 years since I had my abortion, and lost Jayden. Admittedly on the day I didn't really think too much about my abortion, or Jayden... maybe because I had so much going on with Gaby being sick? Either way it really struck me how much my attitude about my loss has changed over the years. Each anniversary effects me a bit less, and I find myself thinking about it in different ways.
I never imagined I would get to the point where I would think "oh yea" regarding my anniversary - let alone not think about it all day long. It's strange, and in a way a little upsetting, because it feels as though I'm losing touch with my precious angel... even though he's all around me, and is the reason for who I am today. I suppose I have to remember that it's okay not to feel upset on his angelversary? That it is okay not to think about it constantly.
At the same time as I've been thinking about how (little) Jayden's angelversary effected me, Kai & me have both been having difficulty coming to terms with the loss of our baby... We haven't really spoken about it in much depth yet - to be honest I don't think either of us are really ready to. Maybe we need to figure things out in our own heads a bit more, before we can think of talking about it 'properly'.
Today is three weeks since I had my surgery. I feel as though I lost a huge chance to have more children. With two fallopian tubes, I always felt like if something happened to one, then I had 'backup' of sorts - but now that I only have the one tube, I suddenly realise I don't HAVE backup anymore. The doctor said there is a 10-18% chance of having another ectopic - if I have another ectopic & need my tube removed... that's it. No 'normal' conception for me. I will need IVF.
It's unfair that in such a short space of time, life can change so much. And the future can become even more unclear.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
~Zhavier Lucas~
On September 20 2007, I did a pregnancy test. Expecting it to be negative. But it was positive! I freaked out, it was very much unplanned. I didn't tell my boyfriend about this test, as I thought it would have to be some sort of mistake. I tested again on September 22 - my birthday - and lo & behold, I got another positive. I told Kai about this one. We were both very very shocked, but we knew it wasn't the end of the world. I told my family that evening, and they were surprised.. a little grumpy, but told me they'd be there for me. I went to bed that night & felt quite happy about the whole thing - in a way I felt bad for feeling happy!
... The morning of September 23, I got my period. I was really upset, but I knew it obviously wasn't meant to be. I told my boyfriend and he said he was quite surprised that he didn't feel relieved about it - he felt a little glum that my period had arrived. I put the whole thing down to being a chemical pregnancy, and moved on with things.
On October 4 I decided to do a pregnancy test, just to confirm I wasn't pregnant. The test was positive. I did another test, to see if it had been a fault with the test. But no, that test was positive too. I rang my midwife & she arranged for me to have an ultrasound that afternoon. The ultrasound showed nothing at all in my uterus, so they suggested I go back in a week, and that I was probably really early on in my pregnancy. I had a blood test done, which confirmed I was pregnant. My hcg level was 330, which seemed a little low to me, considering I should be almost 6 weeks pregnant.
Over three days, I ended up with 6 positive pregnancy tests - three different brands too. My boyfriend was just as confused as I was, and I think we both went between feeling somewhat excited, and somewhat terrified, at the prospect of having a baby, especially so early on in our relationship.
My next scan was a week after the first - and as with the first, there was nothing obvious in my uterus. They checked my fallopian tubes, to try and rule out a pregnancy, and there was nothing visible. I took that as a good sign. The plan of action from there was to have beta hcg testing every 2nd day, and then another u/s once my hcg level was at 2000+
My next blood test was 8 days after my first - and my level had risen to 1150. It had risen, but it didn't seem like it had risen enough to me. I had a feeling I was going to miscarry. The third blood test put my levels at 1630. They'd risen again, but not significantly. The next test came back with the hcg at 1710. I knew that this wasn't a good sign - over two days my level had only gone up by 80 - and by my calculations, the level should have been over 2000.
The doctor rang me & asked me to go and see him, to talk about my levels. That was Friday the 19th October. He told me that he believed I was going to miscarry, and that I'd need a shot of Anti-D, due to a little bit of bleeding I'd had the night beforehand. I thought I would just get the shot there, instead he told me I would need to go to the hospital for it.
I traipsed up to the hospital with Mum, they did a blood test, and after 4 hours the doctor finally saw me. He told me he suspected I had an ectopic pregnancy, and asked me to come back in on the Saturday morning for an ultrasound. I knew that they wouldn't see anything on the ultrasound, but was sure that if they couldn't see anything in my tubes, it would mean it wasn't ectopic? Especially as I'd had no pain! The doctor also told me that my hcg levels had dropped slightly. Surely it had to be a miscarriage!
My boyfriend and I went to a movie after that - we missed half of it, but figured we should go since I had the tickets. He said he'd come up to the hospital with me in the morning, and I was so greatful for that!
Saturday morning I get to the hospital at 9am. 10.30am they take me down for my ultrasound. Once again, nothing present in the uterus, or the fallopian tubes. I figured I was having some weird sort of miscarriage. I finally saw the doctor around 1pm, and he told me believed it was an ectopic pregnancy, and that I was to come in for more blood tests on Sunday morning, and if the number hadn't dropped significantly, I would be going in for surgery to try & find, and then remove an ectopic pregnancy. I still didn't believe it was ectopic. Where was the pain?
Sunday morning I am back at the hospital at 9am. I get blood tests. I sit and wait. My boyfriend arrived at 9.45am, to spend some time with me before he had to go to work. It was nice having someone with me, and having some reassurance. He had to leave at 10.30 - and it wasn't until around 12.30 that the nurse came in to tell me that my hcg level had risen! I suddenly felt a bit less confident that I was 'just' miscarrying. She told me the doctors were just talking about what to do next, and would be in to get me soon for a chat. It was past 1pm when the doctor came in. She took me into a room and told me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and that I would need either surgery, or medication, to 'deal' with the pregnancy.
She explained both procedures to me, and I knew I couldn't handle the medication, the possibility of it not working, and all the monitoring I'd need. By that stage I was getting toward the end of what I could cope with - and Gaby's 1st birthday was fast approaching, I wanted to be able to spend time concentrating on that, not on whether or not medication had worked! I told the doctor I wanted the surgery.
The nurse came in and gave me a drip, and took my vitals, took some blood - and then I was admitted to the ward. Suddenly things were happening VERY fast! I contacted Mum, Dad & my boyfriend to let them know what was happening, and where to find me. Mum was going to bring my stuff up to the hospital for me, and my boyfriend said he'd be up after he'd done a couple of jobs at home. They predicted I'd be going in for my surgery around 5pm, but at 4pm they came to get me - so I wouldn't see anyone before I went in for my surgery. I sent a quick text to tell everyone I was going in, and that I'd see them later. I hoped.
I think they finally started my surgery around 4.30pm - I woke up in recovery somewhere between 6.00 & 6.15pm, and I remember the nurse (or maybe doctor?) talking to me, to say that I had had an ectopic, in my right tube - and that they'd needed to remove the tube as well. But my left tube looked nice and healthy, so there should be no problems with future fertility. It didn't really mean anything to me at that stage. I was so out of it on drugs! I remember the phone ringing, and the nurse talking about me, saying that I was out of surgery & would be going back up in half an hour or so - she then told me that my 'husband' was waiting for me. That made me smile. I was glad someone was waiting for me!
I went up to my room & my boyfriend was great - he asked if I wanted him to stay the night, then went and asked the nurses if that was okay - they said it was. I was very drowsy that night, but managed to stay awake until around 10pm.
I woke up the next morning, and the drugs had worn off. And everything hit me. I spent a lot of time sitting on my bed, cuddling my boyfriend and crying. The realisation that I had another angel, and that I'd lost a fallopian tube really unsettled me. I just wanted to curl up and die.
They let me out of hospital at 10am, and it was so hard saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I got home and everyone was there, including my cousin & his girlfriend, I could tell people were walking on egg shells around me, and felt bad about that.
The first few days after my surgery, I went between feeling fine, and being a total mess. On Wednesday afternoon I cried for hours, on my bed with my boyfriend. I wasn't 100% sure what I was crying about, but I felt as though everything was combined into one big huge ball of emotion, and I had to let it out. My boyfriend was amazing, letting me cry on him. I knew he had stuff to do at home so told him to leave when he wanted, but instead he asked if he could stay the night again. The helped so so much. I found that night time was the hardest, so having someone in bed to cuddle up to... it helped me feel less alone.
At the time of writing this, I am about 9 days post-surgery. I am starting to feel a bit better emotionally, well, the tears have stopped anyway! I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I've in essence, had another abortion - but I know that this time is different, it was a matter of life & death for me. There was no way around it. I am sad that I have lost another baby - I also feel that this one was a boy, and have been thinking of him as Zhavier - Zhavier Lucas, so have decided that is his name. I've not told my boyfriend that I've named him - I'm not sure I will. It's such a personal thing, and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.
Obviously it's too early to have learnt lessons from this loss.. but I'm sure that they're out there somewhere.
... The morning of September 23, I got my period. I was really upset, but I knew it obviously wasn't meant to be. I told my boyfriend and he said he was quite surprised that he didn't feel relieved about it - he felt a little glum that my period had arrived. I put the whole thing down to being a chemical pregnancy, and moved on with things.
On October 4 I decided to do a pregnancy test, just to confirm I wasn't pregnant. The test was positive. I did another test, to see if it had been a fault with the test. But no, that test was positive too. I rang my midwife & she arranged for me to have an ultrasound that afternoon. The ultrasound showed nothing at all in my uterus, so they suggested I go back in a week, and that I was probably really early on in my pregnancy. I had a blood test done, which confirmed I was pregnant. My hcg level was 330, which seemed a little low to me, considering I should be almost 6 weeks pregnant.
Over three days, I ended up with 6 positive pregnancy tests - three different brands too. My boyfriend was just as confused as I was, and I think we both went between feeling somewhat excited, and somewhat terrified, at the prospect of having a baby, especially so early on in our relationship.
My next scan was a week after the first - and as with the first, there was nothing obvious in my uterus. They checked my fallopian tubes, to try and rule out a pregnancy, and there was nothing visible. I took that as a good sign. The plan of action from there was to have beta hcg testing every 2nd day, and then another u/s once my hcg level was at 2000+
My next blood test was 8 days after my first - and my level had risen to 1150. It had risen, but it didn't seem like it had risen enough to me. I had a feeling I was going to miscarry. The third blood test put my levels at 1630. They'd risen again, but not significantly. The next test came back with the hcg at 1710. I knew that this wasn't a good sign - over two days my level had only gone up by 80 - and by my calculations, the level should have been over 2000.
The doctor rang me & asked me to go and see him, to talk about my levels. That was Friday the 19th October. He told me that he believed I was going to miscarry, and that I'd need a shot of Anti-D, due to a little bit of bleeding I'd had the night beforehand. I thought I would just get the shot there, instead he told me I would need to go to the hospital for it.
I traipsed up to the hospital with Mum, they did a blood test, and after 4 hours the doctor finally saw me. He told me he suspected I had an ectopic pregnancy, and asked me to come back in on the Saturday morning for an ultrasound. I knew that they wouldn't see anything on the ultrasound, but was sure that if they couldn't see anything in my tubes, it would mean it wasn't ectopic? Especially as I'd had no pain! The doctor also told me that my hcg levels had dropped slightly. Surely it had to be a miscarriage!
My boyfriend and I went to a movie after that - we missed half of it, but figured we should go since I had the tickets. He said he'd come up to the hospital with me in the morning, and I was so greatful for that!
Saturday morning I get to the hospital at 9am. 10.30am they take me down for my ultrasound. Once again, nothing present in the uterus, or the fallopian tubes. I figured I was having some weird sort of miscarriage. I finally saw the doctor around 1pm, and he told me believed it was an ectopic pregnancy, and that I was to come in for more blood tests on Sunday morning, and if the number hadn't dropped significantly, I would be going in for surgery to try & find, and then remove an ectopic pregnancy. I still didn't believe it was ectopic. Where was the pain?
Sunday morning I am back at the hospital at 9am. I get blood tests. I sit and wait. My boyfriend arrived at 9.45am, to spend some time with me before he had to go to work. It was nice having someone with me, and having some reassurance. He had to leave at 10.30 - and it wasn't until around 12.30 that the nurse came in to tell me that my hcg level had risen! I suddenly felt a bit less confident that I was 'just' miscarrying. She told me the doctors were just talking about what to do next, and would be in to get me soon for a chat. It was past 1pm when the doctor came in. She took me into a room and told me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and that I would need either surgery, or medication, to 'deal' with the pregnancy.
She explained both procedures to me, and I knew I couldn't handle the medication, the possibility of it not working, and all the monitoring I'd need. By that stage I was getting toward the end of what I could cope with - and Gaby's 1st birthday was fast approaching, I wanted to be able to spend time concentrating on that, not on whether or not medication had worked! I told the doctor I wanted the surgery.
The nurse came in and gave me a drip, and took my vitals, took some blood - and then I was admitted to the ward. Suddenly things were happening VERY fast! I contacted Mum, Dad & my boyfriend to let them know what was happening, and where to find me. Mum was going to bring my stuff up to the hospital for me, and my boyfriend said he'd be up after he'd done a couple of jobs at home. They predicted I'd be going in for my surgery around 5pm, but at 4pm they came to get me - so I wouldn't see anyone before I went in for my surgery. I sent a quick text to tell everyone I was going in, and that I'd see them later. I hoped.
I think they finally started my surgery around 4.30pm - I woke up in recovery somewhere between 6.00 & 6.15pm, and I remember the nurse (or maybe doctor?) talking to me, to say that I had had an ectopic, in my right tube - and that they'd needed to remove the tube as well. But my left tube looked nice and healthy, so there should be no problems with future fertility. It didn't really mean anything to me at that stage. I was so out of it on drugs! I remember the phone ringing, and the nurse talking about me, saying that I was out of surgery & would be going back up in half an hour or so - she then told me that my 'husband' was waiting for me. That made me smile. I was glad someone was waiting for me!
I went up to my room & my boyfriend was great - he asked if I wanted him to stay the night, then went and asked the nurses if that was okay - they said it was. I was very drowsy that night, but managed to stay awake until around 10pm.
I woke up the next morning, and the drugs had worn off. And everything hit me. I spent a lot of time sitting on my bed, cuddling my boyfriend and crying. The realisation that I had another angel, and that I'd lost a fallopian tube really unsettled me. I just wanted to curl up and die.
They let me out of hospital at 10am, and it was so hard saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I got home and everyone was there, including my cousin & his girlfriend, I could tell people were walking on egg shells around me, and felt bad about that.
The first few days after my surgery, I went between feeling fine, and being a total mess. On Wednesday afternoon I cried for hours, on my bed with my boyfriend. I wasn't 100% sure what I was crying about, but I felt as though everything was combined into one big huge ball of emotion, and I had to let it out. My boyfriend was amazing, letting me cry on him. I knew he had stuff to do at home so told him to leave when he wanted, but instead he asked if he could stay the night again. The helped so so much. I found that night time was the hardest, so having someone in bed to cuddle up to... it helped me feel less alone.
At the time of writing this, I am about 9 days post-surgery. I am starting to feel a bit better emotionally, well, the tears have stopped anyway! I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I've in essence, had another abortion - but I know that this time is different, it was a matter of life & death for me. There was no way around it. I am sad that I have lost another baby - I also feel that this one was a boy, and have been thinking of him as Zhavier - Zhavier Lucas, so have decided that is his name. I've not told my boyfriend that I've named him - I'm not sure I will. It's such a personal thing, and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.
Obviously it's too early to have learnt lessons from this loss.. but I'm sure that they're out there somewhere.
~Zhavier Lucas~
conceived: 7 September 2007
pregnancy confirmed: 20 September 2007
ectopic surgery: 21 October 2007
due date: 1 June 2008
conceived: 7 September 2007
pregnancy confirmed: 20 September 2007
ectopic surgery: 21 October 2007
due date: 1 June 2008
~Micah James~
On November 7, 2005 I received a very very faint positive pregnancy test. The same happened on November 8, and then on November 9 I rang a midwife, who arranged for me to have a blood test - that afternoon it came back positive!
I was so excited to be pregnant, I had wanted a baby so badly for such a long time, and it felt like it was meant to be. My boyfriend at the time was shocked, but after a couple of days he came around & things felt good. I felt that finally I was going to be able to make up for my abortion, that I was going to be able to have this baby, and give him/her a great life.
But deep down, I knew that I wasn't going to be pregnant for long. I was so worried about miscarrying the whole time - I was in the toilet every 10 minutes checking for blood. I knew it was going to come, but hoped that somehow I was wrong.
On November 15 around 10am, I went to the toilet & found I was spotting. I rang my midwife and she told me it was quite normal to bleed in early pregnancy. But I knew. I just knew that it was the start of a miscarriage. My midwife advised me to be on bedrest until the spotting had stopped, but obviously if it got heavier to let her know.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday were spent on the couch. Watching Family Guy. And playing Gran Turismo 4. Trying to ignore the fact that I was miscarrying. On the Friday afternoon I noticed that my spotting had almost stopped, so thought maybe things WERE okay, and that my intuition was wrong. Friday evening I went to the toilet & found a lot of blood & clots. I cried. I knew what was happening.
On the Saturday I decided to go out. If I was miscarrying, going out wasn't going to stop a thing. I went to the mall with my sister and a friend. We were about to get something to eat & I noticed a horrendous cramp. I KNEW that that was it. That I'd miscarried - I went to the toilet & what I saw will stay in my mind forever. I saw my baby there.. on the toilet paper... I cried silent tears, and then said goodbye to my baby...
On the Monday I went for an ultrasound to confirm that I'd miscarried, and as expected, my uterus was empty.
My boyfriend came over and spent time with me, but I felt very alone. I couldn't help but feel that I was being punished for having my abortion - that my miscarriage was karma coming back to kick me in the ass.
Having dealt with the loss of my first angel, I knew that it was okay to grieve, and to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling - and that really helped me. I grieved for a few weeks, but then I generally felt okay. Of course I was still sad about the loss of my little boy (I felt it was a boy), but once again, I had the feeling it was meant to be. I did begin to wonder if I was going to have any children - I had a horrible image of every pregnancy ending in miscarriage, or another form of pregnancy loss.
I guess one of the main things I learnt from my miscarriage, was to trust my intuition. I just knew I was going to miscarry, and I did. I do wish my intuition had been wrong though.
I happened to get pregnant with Gaby in January/February 2006 - in my 3rd cycle post miscarriage. It brought up a lot of weird emotions. I was excited about being pregnant with Gaby, but at the same time, I was sad that it wasn't Micah I was pregnant with. It was also very hard for me to believe that my pregnancy with Gaby could end with me actually bringing a baby home. My entire pregnancy with her I had bad anxiety - I was used to pregnancy ending early on, so I figured there was no reason that pregnancy should be any different. Though obviously it was different, Gaby was born 26 Oct 06, a healthy 8lb4oz. At times I still feel a bit weird thinking that I could have had a son, born 3 months earlier than Gaby - and no Gaby.
I was so excited to be pregnant, I had wanted a baby so badly for such a long time, and it felt like it was meant to be. My boyfriend at the time was shocked, but after a couple of days he came around & things felt good. I felt that finally I was going to be able to make up for my abortion, that I was going to be able to have this baby, and give him/her a great life.
But deep down, I knew that I wasn't going to be pregnant for long. I was so worried about miscarrying the whole time - I was in the toilet every 10 minutes checking for blood. I knew it was going to come, but hoped that somehow I was wrong.
On November 15 around 10am, I went to the toilet & found I was spotting. I rang my midwife and she told me it was quite normal to bleed in early pregnancy. But I knew. I just knew that it was the start of a miscarriage. My midwife advised me to be on bedrest until the spotting had stopped, but obviously if it got heavier to let her know.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday were spent on the couch. Watching Family Guy. And playing Gran Turismo 4. Trying to ignore the fact that I was miscarrying. On the Friday afternoon I noticed that my spotting had almost stopped, so thought maybe things WERE okay, and that my intuition was wrong. Friday evening I went to the toilet & found a lot of blood & clots. I cried. I knew what was happening.
On the Saturday I decided to go out. If I was miscarrying, going out wasn't going to stop a thing. I went to the mall with my sister and a friend. We were about to get something to eat & I noticed a horrendous cramp. I KNEW that that was it. That I'd miscarried - I went to the toilet & what I saw will stay in my mind forever. I saw my baby there.. on the toilet paper... I cried silent tears, and then said goodbye to my baby...
On the Monday I went for an ultrasound to confirm that I'd miscarried, and as expected, my uterus was empty.
My boyfriend came over and spent time with me, but I felt very alone. I couldn't help but feel that I was being punished for having my abortion - that my miscarriage was karma coming back to kick me in the ass.
Having dealt with the loss of my first angel, I knew that it was okay to grieve, and to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling - and that really helped me. I grieved for a few weeks, but then I generally felt okay. Of course I was still sad about the loss of my little boy (I felt it was a boy), but once again, I had the feeling it was meant to be. I did begin to wonder if I was going to have any children - I had a horrible image of every pregnancy ending in miscarriage, or another form of pregnancy loss.
I guess one of the main things I learnt from my miscarriage, was to trust my intuition. I just knew I was going to miscarry, and I did. I do wish my intuition had been wrong though.
I happened to get pregnant with Gaby in January/February 2006 - in my 3rd cycle post miscarriage. It brought up a lot of weird emotions. I was excited about being pregnant with Gaby, but at the same time, I was sad that it wasn't Micah I was pregnant with. It was also very hard for me to believe that my pregnancy with Gaby could end with me actually bringing a baby home. My entire pregnancy with her I had bad anxiety - I was used to pregnancy ending early on, so I figured there was no reason that pregnancy should be any different. Though obviously it was different, Gaby was born 26 Oct 06, a healthy 8lb4oz. At times I still feel a bit weird thinking that I could have had a son, born 3 months earlier than Gaby - and no Gaby.
~Micah James~
conceived: 24 October 05
pregnancy confirmed: 7 November 05
miscarriage: 19 November 05
due date: 18 July 06
conceived: 24 October 05
pregnancy confirmed: 7 November 05
miscarriage: 19 November 05
due date: 18 July 06
~Jayden Scott~
September 2001, I found myself very unexpectedly pregnant - and single. I was determined to keep my baby, however my parents & ex boyfriend had different thoughts on that. They all wanted me to have an abortion, and eventually I caved in and agreed. I didn't WANT the abortion at all, and I tried to justify it to myself. At the end of the day though, I knew I couldn't do it (have my baby), if I didn't have the support of my parents and of my ex.
My ex boyfriend didn't go to any appointments with me, except for the initial appointment with my GP to get the referral to the abortion clinic.... In the end it was my friends who were there for me....
November 2nd was the date of my abortion - and a date which will forever be chiselled into my brain. I had every opportunity to leave that day, but I felt that I had to go through with it - for everyone elses sake. My memories of the day are a bit hazy - but in a way I am glad. I don't think I'd like to remember it all.
After my abortion things were okay for 6 weeks - but then I began experiencing what is known as PASS - post abortion stress syndrome. I was severely depressed, and couldn't come to terms with what had happened. I felt a huge range of emotions, but mainly guilt, regret, remorse and anger - I had LOTS of anger... toward my parents, my ex... my friends at times.
I didn't know myself through that whole time, I felt like an alien had taken over my body - or that I was watching myself from outside my body. I began drinking a lot, and taking stupid risks - because I felt like my life had no meaning, so who really cared if I fucked it up even more?
I knew I couldn't start getting 'better' until I'd sorted things out with my ex - so I worked on that for a long time, and eventually I found it to forgive him. Where I had once viewed him as an 'enemy' of sorts, I began viewing him as an important friend. We had a couple of pretty deep conversations, and I finally asked him all the hard questions I had wanted to ask. We actually began dating again - which was very out of the blue, and everyone thought I was an idiot - but I think it was the biggest factor in my being able to heal. We were together on the first anniversary of the abortion, which helped me a lot.
Over time, I began to heal. I began to forgive & move forward with my life. I cannot remember what the significant event was, but I decided one day that life was too short & I had to start moving forward & not dwelling on the past.
I am now approaching my 6 year anniversary of my abortion - and where once it would have been the only thing on my mind, it is now a very minor thing on my mind. I'm thinking more than usual about my abortion & about Jayden - but generally just in passing. I'm not consumed by it.
I learnt a LOT from my abortion. A tonne of lessons about life. The main one being that you have to do what you want to do - especially when it comes to a life altering decision. Don't make other peoples opinions the main reason to do x y or z. You can hear what they have to say, but at the end of the day, you have to do what is right in your heart - otherwise you will have a hard hard time trying to deal with the aftermath of your decision.
I try to imagine a lot, what life would be like if I had had Jayden. He would be 5 years old now, and it is very hard to imagine my life with a 5 year old son. I'm not sure that I would have had Gaby if I had had Jayden - but then at the same time, if I'd had Jayden, I wouldn't have experienced all the negative experiences after I'd had my abortion, if I had HAD Jayden.
Even through all this though - I think it was meant to be. As shitty as it is, as hard as it was - and is, I think it was meant to be. Though I often wish it wasn't meant to be. That me having Jayden was what was meant to be.
My ex boyfriend didn't go to any appointments with me, except for the initial appointment with my GP to get the referral to the abortion clinic.... In the end it was my friends who were there for me....
November 2nd was the date of my abortion - and a date which will forever be chiselled into my brain. I had every opportunity to leave that day, but I felt that I had to go through with it - for everyone elses sake. My memories of the day are a bit hazy - but in a way I am glad. I don't think I'd like to remember it all.
After my abortion things were okay for 6 weeks - but then I began experiencing what is known as PASS - post abortion stress syndrome. I was severely depressed, and couldn't come to terms with what had happened. I felt a huge range of emotions, but mainly guilt, regret, remorse and anger - I had LOTS of anger... toward my parents, my ex... my friends at times.
I didn't know myself through that whole time, I felt like an alien had taken over my body - or that I was watching myself from outside my body. I began drinking a lot, and taking stupid risks - because I felt like my life had no meaning, so who really cared if I fucked it up even more?
I knew I couldn't start getting 'better' until I'd sorted things out with my ex - so I worked on that for a long time, and eventually I found it to forgive him. Where I had once viewed him as an 'enemy' of sorts, I began viewing him as an important friend. We had a couple of pretty deep conversations, and I finally asked him all the hard questions I had wanted to ask. We actually began dating again - which was very out of the blue, and everyone thought I was an idiot - but I think it was the biggest factor in my being able to heal. We were together on the first anniversary of the abortion, which helped me a lot.
Over time, I began to heal. I began to forgive & move forward with my life. I cannot remember what the significant event was, but I decided one day that life was too short & I had to start moving forward & not dwelling on the past.
I am now approaching my 6 year anniversary of my abortion - and where once it would have been the only thing on my mind, it is now a very minor thing on my mind. I'm thinking more than usual about my abortion & about Jayden - but generally just in passing. I'm not consumed by it.
I learnt a LOT from my abortion. A tonne of lessons about life. The main one being that you have to do what you want to do - especially when it comes to a life altering decision. Don't make other peoples opinions the main reason to do x y or z. You can hear what they have to say, but at the end of the day, you have to do what is right in your heart - otherwise you will have a hard hard time trying to deal with the aftermath of your decision.
I try to imagine a lot, what life would be like if I had had Jayden. He would be 5 years old now, and it is very hard to imagine my life with a 5 year old son. I'm not sure that I would have had Gaby if I had had Jayden - but then at the same time, if I'd had Jayden, I wouldn't have experienced all the negative experiences after I'd had my abortion, if I had HAD Jayden.
Even through all this though - I think it was meant to be. As shitty as it is, as hard as it was - and is, I think it was meant to be. Though I often wish it wasn't meant to be. That me having Jayden was what was meant to be.
~Jayden Scott~
conceived: 1 September 01
pregnancy confirmed: 24 September 01
abortion: 2 November 01
due date: 28 May 02
conceived: 1 September 01
pregnancy confirmed: 24 September 01
abortion: 2 November 01
due date: 28 May 02
Thursday, October 25, 2007
In memory of three angels
this blog is in memory of my three angels, and the lessons that they have taught me...
My angels are
Jayden Scott - lost through abortion
Micah James - lost through miscarriage
'Little Precious' (yet to be named) - lost through ectopic pregnancy
My three losses were all absolutely different from me.. but together they have helped me learn a lot... about life, about myself, about fate & karma........ and they have helped me become a better person.
My angels are
Jayden Scott - lost through abortion
Micah James - lost through miscarriage
'Little Precious' (yet to be named) - lost through ectopic pregnancy
My three losses were all absolutely different from me.. but together they have helped me learn a lot... about life, about myself, about fate & karma........ and they have helped me become a better person.
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